Public school teacher arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at London’s Heathrow Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a set square, a slide-rule and an electronic calculator. At a press conference just before midday today, the Attorney General, Phil De Forms, said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, the confirmed that he has been charged by Scotland Yard with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a big problem for us,” the Attorney General said, “and has been showing exponential growth in recent years. Members of the movement derive solutions by means and extremes, sometimes going off on exponential tangents in search of absolute values. They are known to use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have now discovered a common denominator in the axis of reflection with variables in almost every country. Although the coefficient matrix of the movement and its inverse proportions are still not known,” continued the Attorney General, “we firmly believe, as the Greek philosopher Isoceles once said, that there are three sides to every triangle.”

Scotland Yard’s primary concern at the moment is that Al-Gebra is filtering its members into the British education system and teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems, all of which could be putting national security at risk.

The man is currently being held in a quadratic binomial cell in Holloway Prison in London.


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