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Archivi categoria: funny stories

A mouse in the house

mouse-house

[per sapere il significato delle parole evidenziate,
passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

 

A mouse really wanted to come out from his hole in the wall behind the fridge in the kitchen but he was very, very afraid of the cat. So he put his ear to the wall and listened carefully.
First he heard the sound of paws on the kitchen floor and then a loud bark.
“Excellent,” said the mouse to himself. “It’s only that stupid old dog! Let’s go!”
And the mouse came out from behind the fridge.
In an instant the cat trapped him with his paws and whispered sardonically in his ear:
“Now can you see how important it is to learn a foreign language?”

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Pubblicato da su 16 maggio 2017 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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I’m afraid not

frayed-knot

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passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

 

One day a string walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a Gin and Tonic. The bartender looked at him with a scornful eye and said, “We don’t serve strings here.”
Humiliated, the string left the bar and walked into another one.
“Could I have a Gin and Tonic, please,” he asked respectfully.
“You must be joking, we don’t serve strings in this bar,” replied the bartender with a sardonic chuckle.
The string tried another couple of bars but it was always the same story.
Feeling somewhat humiliated but determined to find a solution to his problem, the string ruffled his hair, tied himself up, and walked back into the first bar.
The bartender looked across the bar at him and asked, “Aren’t you that string that was in here just a few minutes ago?”
“Who me?” replied the string, pretending to be surprised. “I’m afraid not.”

[SOLUZIONE]

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Nobody did it

anybody

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This is a little story about four typically English characters called Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to do and Everybody thought that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but in the end Nobody did it. Somebody, of course, got angry about this because he felt that Everybody should have done it. Everybody insisted that Anybody could have done it, but Nobody realised that it was Everybody’s job. In the end Everybody blamed Somebody because Nobody had done what Anybody could have done.

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Pubblicato da su 13 aprile 2017 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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The secret to a long and happy marriage

wine

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passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

 

An old woman was quietly drinking a glass of wine while sitting in the garden with her husband watching the sun go down.
She says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband looks up and asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The old woman replies. “It’s me… talking to the wine.”

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Mind your own business

How I learnt to mind my own business
Come ho imparato a fare i fatti miei

mind-your-own-business

[per sapere il significato delle parole evidenziate,
passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

When I got home from work yesterday, it was a lovely sunny afternoon so I decided to go for a nice long walk. As I was walking past the local school, on the other side of the fence, I could hear all the children shouting, “Thirteen… thirteen… thirteen….”
The fence was too high to look over the top but just in front of me I could see a small hole in one of the planks. Curious, I stopped to see what was going on.
Just as I bent down to look through the hole, one of the children on the other side of the fence poked his finger in my eye and they all started shouting, “Fourteen… fourteen… fourteen…”

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Garda Síochána

garda

[per sapere il significato delle parole evidenziate,
passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

One day a garda stopped at a farm in County Galway and went up to the old farmer who was milking his cows.
“I have to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he asserted brusquely.
“That’s fine,” answered the old farmer with a smile, “but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over there.”
“I will go wherever I want!” exploded the garda. “I have the authority of the Garda Síochána with me!” Putting his hand into his back pocket, the hot-headed garda pulled out his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means that I can go wherever I want, whenever I want! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?”
The farmer nodded gently, apologised, and carried on milking his cows.
A few minutes later, the farmer heard a loud scream. Looking up, he saw the garda running for his life with the farmer’s big bull, McCabe, hot on his heels.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the garda and it was clear that he would be gored before he managed to reach safety. The garda was clearly terrified.
The old farmer jumped up from his stool and ran as fast as he could towards the field, yelling at the top of his voice: “Your badge! Show him your badge!”

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Pubblicato da su 22 settembre 2016 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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The Bathtub Test

bathtub

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passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the director how he knew when a patient needed to be institutionalised.
“It’s really quite simple,” the director replied. “We just fill up a bathtub with water and then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I replied. “Obviously a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the cup.”
“No,” said the director. “A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?”

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Pubblicato da su 16 luglio 2016 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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Bridging the Gap

Bridge-the-Gap

to bridge the gap = chiudere il divario, risolvere il problema

[per sapere il significato delle parole evidenziate,
passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, taking a sip from each glass in turn. When he has finished all three, he goes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after a while. It would be better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised to drink this way to remember the days we all used to drink together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and says no more.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks in the same way, ordering three pints and taking a sip from each glass in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I would just like to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then his eyes light up and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “we’re all fine. It’s just that I’ve quit drinking!”

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Pubblicato da su 20 novembre 2015 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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