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Mind your own business

How I learnt to mind my own business
Come ho imparato a fare i fatti miei

mind-your-own-business

[per sapere il significato delle parole evidenziate,
passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

When I got home from work yesterday, it was a lovely sunny afternoon so I decided to go for a nice long walk. As I was walking past the local school, on the other side of the fence, I could hear all the children shouting, “Thirteen… thirteen… thirteen….”
The fence was too high to look over the top but just in front of me I could see a small hole in one of the planks. Curious, I stopped to see what was going on.
Just as I bent down to look through the hole, one of the children on the other side of the fence poked his finger in my eye and they all started shouting, “Fourteen… fourteen… fourteen…”

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Garda Síochána

garda

[per sapere il significato delle parole evidenziate,
passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

One day a garda stopped at a farm in County Galway and went up to the old farmer who was milking his cows.
“I have to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he asserted brusquely.
“That’s fine,” answered the old farmer with a smile, “but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over there.”
“I will go wherever I want!” exploded the garda. “I have the authority of the Garda Síochána with me!” Putting his hand into his back pocket, the hot-headed garda pulled out his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means that I can go wherever I want, whenever I want! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?”
The farmer nodded gently, apologised, and carried on milking his cows.
A few minutes later, the farmer heard a loud scream. Looking up, he saw the garda running for his life with the farmer’s big bull, McCabe, hot on his heels.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the garda and it was clear that he would be gored before he managed to reach safety. The garda was clearly terrified.
The old farmer jumped up from his stool and ran as fast as he could towards the field, yelling at the top of his voice: “Your badge! Show him your badge!”

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Pubblicato da su 22 settembre 2016 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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The Bathtub Test

bathtub

[per sapere il significato delle parole evidenziate,
passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the director how he knew when a patient needed to be institutionalised.
“It’s really quite simple,” the director replied. “We just fill up a bathtub with water and then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I replied. “Obviously a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the cup.”
“No,” said the director. “A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?”

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Pubblicato da su 16 luglio 2016 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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Bridging the Gap

Bridge-the-Gap

to bridge the gap = chiudere il divario, risolvere il problema

[per sapere il significato delle parole evidenziate,
passaci sopra con il mouse senza cliccare]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, taking a sip from each glass in turn. When he has finished all three, he goes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after a while. It would be better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised to drink this way to remember the days we all used to drink together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and says no more.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks in the same way, ordering three pints and taking a sip from each glass in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I would just like to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then his eyes light up and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “we’re all fine. It’s just that I’ve quit drinking!”

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Pubblicato da su 20 novembre 2015 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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Public school teacher arrested

arrest
A public school teacher was arrested today at London’s Heathrow Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a set square, a slide-rule and an electronic calculator. At a press conference just before midday today, the Attorney General, Phil De Forms, said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. Although he did not identify the man, the confirmed that he has been charged by Scotland Yard with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

“Al-Gebra is a big problem for us,” the Attorney General said, “and has been showing exponential growth in recent years. Members of the movement derive solutions by means and extremes, sometimes going off on exponential tangents in search of absolute values. They are known to use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have now discovered a common denominator in the axis of reflection with variables in almost every country. Although the coefficient matrix of the movement and its inverse proportions are still not known,” continued the Attorney General, “we firmly believe, as the Greek philosopher Isoceles once said, that there are three sides to every triangle.”

Scotland Yard’s primary concern at the moment is that Al-Gebra is filtering its members into the British education system and teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems, all of which could be putting national security at risk.

The man is currently being held in a quadratic binomial cell in Holloway Prison in London.

 


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Pubblicato da su 15 marzo 2015 in funny stories, Humour inglese

 

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Nobody did it.

blamegame

Se serve passa con il mouse sulle parole in rosso per avere il significato.

blue-ball

This is a little story about four typically English characters called Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to do and Everybody thought that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but in the end Nobody did it. Somebody, of course, got angry about this because he felt that Everybody should have done it. Everybody insisted that Anybody could have done it, but Nobody realised that it was Everybody’s job. In the end Everybody blamed Somebody because Nobody had done what Anybody coud have done.

 


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Pubblicato da su 28 novembre 2014 in funny stories, Humour inglese

 

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