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Looking at life

laundry

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A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood. The first morning, while they were eating breakfast, the young woman watched her neighbour hanging her clothes out to dry.
“Her laundry doesn’t look very clean,” she said to her husband. “She obviously doesn’t know how to wash clothes properly. Perhaps she needs a better soap powder.”
Her husband looked at her but said nothing.
During the weeks that followed, every time her neighbour hung her clothes out to dry, the young woman watched her and made the same comments.
One morning, about a month later, the young woman was surprised to see a nice, clean line of washing hanging outside her neighbour’s house.
“Look!” she said to her husband. “Our neighbour has finally learnt how to wash her clothes properly! I wonder who taught her.”
Actually,” replied her husband, finally speaking out, “I  got up very early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when we watch other people depends very much on the clarity of the window through which we look.

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Pubblicato da su 20 febbraio 2017 in Inglese in azione, read

 

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Mind your own business

How I learnt to mind my own business
Come ho imparato a fare i fatti miei

mind-your-own-business

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When I got home from work yesterday, it was a lovely sunny afternoon so I decided to go for a nice long walk. As I was walking past the local school, on the other side of the fence, I could hear all the children shouting, “Thirteen… thirteen… thirteen….”
The fence was too high to look over the top but just in front of me I could see a small hole in one of the planks. Curious, I stopped to see what was going on.
Just as I bent down to look through the hole, one of the children on the other side of the fence poked his finger in my eye and they all started shouting, “Fourteen… fourteen… fourteen…”

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Garda Síochána

garda

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One day a garda stopped at a farm in County Galway and went up to the old farmer who was milking his cows.
“I have to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he asserted brusquely.
“That’s fine,” answered the old farmer with a smile, “but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over there.”
“I will go wherever I want!” exploded the garda. “I have the authority of the Garda Síochána with me!” Putting his hand into his back pocket, the hot-headed garda pulled out his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means that I can go wherever I want, whenever I want! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?”
The farmer nodded gently, apologised, and carried on milking his cows.
A few minutes later, the farmer heard a loud scream. Looking up, he saw the garda running for his life with the farmer’s big bull, McCabe, hot on his heels.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the garda and it was clear that he would be gored before he managed to reach safety. The garda was clearly terrified.
The old farmer jumped up from his stool and ran as fast as he could towards the field, yelling at the top of his voice: “Your badge! Show him your badge!”

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Pubblicato da su 22 settembre 2016 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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The Bathtub Test

bathtub

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During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the director how he knew when a patient needed to be institutionalised.
“It’s really quite simple,” the director replied. “We just fill up a bathtub with water and then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I replied. “Obviously a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the cup.”
“No,” said the director. “A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?”

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Pubblicato da su 16 luglio 2016 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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The Balloonist and the Hiker

hot-air-balloon

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One day a man, who was travelling in a hot air balloon, realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman hiking down below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The hiker, shouting back, replied, “You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. Your position is about 30 degrees north latitude and 90 degrees west longitude.”
“Hey, what are you, a technician?” yelled the balloonist.
“Yes, I am,” the hiker shouted back. “How did you guess?”
“Well,” shouted the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information! The fact is, I’m still lost, and you haven’t said or done a single thing to help!”
“Ah, you must be in management.” the hiker yelled back.
“I am,” shouted the balloonist, “but how did you guess?”
“Easy.” the hiker yelled. “You don’t know where you are. You don’t know where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are thanks to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to resolve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position that you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s all my fault!”

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Pubblicato da su 6 giugno 2016 in Inglese in azione, read

 

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Bridging the Gap

Bridge-the-Gap

to bridge the gap = chiudere il divario, risolvere il problema

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, taking a sip from each glass in turn. When he has finished all three, he goes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after a while. It would be better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised to drink this way to remember the days we all used to drink together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and says no more.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks in the same way, ordering three pints and taking a sip from each glass in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I would just like to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then his eyes light up and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “we’re all fine. It’s just that I’ve quit drinking!”

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Pubblicato da su 20 novembre 2015 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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Who was Saint Patrick really?

ST-PATRICKS-DAY2-images-and-graphics

Taken Prisoner By Irish Raiders

It is known that St. Patrick was born in Britain to wealthy parents near the end of the fourth century. He is believed to have died on March 17, around 460 A.D. Although his father was a Christian deacon, it has been suggested that he probably took on the role because of tax incentives and there is no evidence that Patrick came from a particularly religious family. At the age of 16, Patrick was taken prisoner by a group of Irish raiders who were attacking his family’s estate. They transported him to Ireland where he spent six years in captivity. (There is some dispute over where this captivity took place. Although many believe he was taken to live in Mount Slemish in County Antrim, it is more likely that he was held in County Mayo near Killala.) During this time, he worked as a shepherd, outdoors and away from people. Lonely and afraid, he turned to his religion for solace, becoming a devout Christian. (It is also believed that Patrick first began to dream of converting the Irish people to Christianity during his captivity.)

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Pubblicato da su 17 marzo 2015 in Inglese in azione, Palestra, read, true or false

 

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