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The secret to a long and happy marriage

wine

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An old woman was quietly drinking a glass of wine while sitting in the garden with her husband watching the sun go down.
She says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband looks up and asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The old woman replies. “It’s me… talking to the wine.”

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A glass of water

glass-water

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A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone thought she was going to ask the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she enquired:
“How heavy is this glass of water?”
All kinds of answers came from around the room.
She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”
She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed and incapable of doing anything.”
It’s important to remember to let go of your stress. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night.
Remember to put the glass down.


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Pubblicato da su 18 marzo 2017 in Inglese in azione, read

 

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Do you fancy a sandwich?

sandwiches

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Everybody knows what a sandwich is: a bit of food – traditionally cold meat and perhaps some cheese – tucked in between two slices of bread. But where does the name sandwich come from? Well, the story goes that the sandwich was the brainchild of a certain John Montagu (1718-1792), the 4th Earl of Sandwich, a prominent statesman and staunch supporter of the Patriot Whigs, a political faction strongly opposed to the government of Robert Walpole in the first half of the 18th century. Apart from his lifelong dedication to politics, John Montagu was also a very keen gambler who spent long hours at the card table. Such was his passion for cards – in particular cribbage – that he did not want to abandon the card table even when it was time for a meal. He cleverly resolved this problem by ordering his servants to fetch him some slices of cold meat between two slices of bread. In this way he was able to continue paying cards without needing a knife and fork and without getting his fingers greasy. His fellow players, impressed with his idea, also began to order, “the same as Sandwich,” and so the sandwich was born.

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John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich
by Thomas Gainsborough

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Pubblicato da su 6 marzo 2017 in Inglese in azione, read

 

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Looking at life

laundry

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A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood. The first morning, while they were eating breakfast, the young woman watched her neighbour hanging her clothes out to dry.
“Her laundry doesn’t look very clean,” she said to her husband. “She obviously doesn’t know how to wash clothes properly. Perhaps she needs a better soap powder.”
Her husband looked at her but said nothing.
During the weeks that followed, every time her neighbour hung her clothes out to dry, the young woman watched her and made the same comments.
One morning, about a month later, the young woman was surprised to see a nice, clean line of washing hanging outside her neighbour’s house.
“Look!” she said to her husband. “Our neighbour has finally learnt how to wash her clothes properly! I wonder who taught her.”
Actually,” replied her husband, finally speaking out, “I  got up very early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when we watch other people depends very much on the clarity of the window through which we look.

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Pubblicato da su 20 febbraio 2017 in Inglese in azione, read

 

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Mind your own business

How I learnt to mind my own business
Come ho imparato a fare i fatti miei

mind-your-own-business

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When I got home from work yesterday, it was a lovely sunny afternoon so I decided to go for a nice long walk. As I was walking past the local school, on the other side of the fence, I could hear all the children shouting, “Thirteen… thirteen… thirteen….”
The fence was too high to look over the top but just in front of me I could see a small hole in one of the planks. Curious, I stopped to see what was going on.
Just as I bent down to look through the hole, one of the children on the other side of the fence poked his finger in my eye and they all started shouting, “Fourteen… fourteen… fourteen…”

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Garda Síochána

garda

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One day a garda stopped at a farm in County Galway and went up to the old farmer who was milking his cows.
“I have to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he asserted brusquely.
“That’s fine,” answered the old farmer with a smile, “but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over there.”
“I will go wherever I want!” exploded the garda. “I have the authority of the Garda Síochána with me!” Putting his hand into his back pocket, the hot-headed garda pulled out his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means that I can go wherever I want, whenever I want! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?”
The farmer nodded gently, apologised, and carried on milking his cows.
A few minutes later, the farmer heard a loud scream. Looking up, he saw the garda running for his life with the farmer’s big bull, McCabe, hot on his heels.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the garda and it was clear that he would be gored before he managed to reach safety. The garda was clearly terrified.
The old farmer jumped up from his stool and ran as fast as he could towards the field, yelling at the top of his voice: “Your badge! Show him your badge!”

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Pubblicato da su 22 settembre 2016 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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The Bathtub Test

bathtub

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During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the director how he knew when a patient needed to be institutionalised.
“It’s really quite simple,” the director replied. “We just fill up a bathtub with water and then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I replied. “Obviously a normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the cup.”
“No,” said the director. “A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?”

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Pubblicato da su 16 luglio 2016 in funny stories, Humour inglese, Inglese in azione, read

 

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The Balloonist and the Hiker

hot-air-balloon

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One day a man, who was travelling in a hot air balloon, realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman hiking down below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The hiker, shouting back, replied, “You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. Your position is about 30 degrees north latitude and 90 degrees west longitude.”
“Hey, what are you, a technician?” yelled the balloonist.
“Yes, I am,” the hiker shouted back. “How did you guess?”
“Well,” shouted the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information! The fact is, I’m still lost, and you haven’t said or done a single thing to help!”
“Ah, you must be in management.” the hiker yelled back.
“I am,” shouted the balloonist, “but how did you guess?”
“Easy.” the hiker yelled. “You don’t know where you are. You don’t know where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are thanks to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to resolve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position that you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s all my fault!”

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Pubblicato da su 6 giugno 2016 in Inglese in azione, read

 

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